Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When it's not a triangle...

The three "sides" of adoption are the Birth Mother/Parents, the Adoptee, and the Adoptive Parent(s). This is often called the "Triad" and depicted and thought of as a triangle with equal sides. Unfortunately for both my sons, we don't have our promised triangle. We have more of a line. Our third corner in each triangle seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. We keep our side of things going, for the most part, and would welcome a return to our triangle shape, but for now, we're a pretty comfortable line.

Anyone that knows me though, knows that I think ahead. I fully believe in mentally exploring all potential future scenarios, worst case to best case until I'm a quivering, shaking mess. This would clearly be no exception. I can't help but fear that despite what we've done, and the contact we've maintained (us sending letters and pictures) that the lack of response from birth parents will be emotionally blamed on us. Either by the birth parents when/if contact is initiated as the kids get older, or by the boys if they have a hard time dealing with their loss. I can't help but feel that in this new era of open adoption where birth parents are guided into a choice they are not educated about, that we are all creating a new generation of adoptees who will not have lost their birth families once, but twice. Who will be forced to face down not only their own placement for adoption, but their emotional abandonment by their birth families. I can't imagine how my children will feel when they know that their birth parents had options for full and open communication and in Matty's case 1 guaranteed visit per year, and they haven't bothered to make that effort.

I think either of their birth families could have stretched their lives and finances to care for another child. That was not why my boys were placed. My boys were placed because their birth parents could not emotionally raise another child. They chose not to parent. Perhaps with that knowledge, we should not be surprised that they have not maintained communication. That they have not asked for their visits or sent pictures so my sons could have pictures of the people that look like them.

I'm so angry.

My sons were first emotionally placed by their birth families, and now they have been emotionally abandoned by them as well. No one should make promises they can't keep to children. Open adoption is not for a birth parent only if they need it. Open Adoption is for the child, the teen, the young adult and adult adoptee. I realize it is not easy for their birth families. It's not easy for me either. I do it for my children. I can't imagine a better reason.

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