Friday, October 29, 2010


Here's to the end of a fairly productive week.

I made a winter jacket for Tyler out of a wool sweater and matching hat. Then the next day, I found a pattern to do exactly that after I had spent the whole previous day winging a pattern. It came out cute but a little small. I have another really heavy wool sweater that I'll make the next one out of now that I really know how much extra room you need to leave. The finished one needs buttons or snaps still, so hopefully I'll get to that this weekend.

I did laundry. Yes, that IS an accomplishment. It kept me fairly caught up on a task that I have an on again off again relationship with. Usually off.

I made a burp cloth for my new niece Aaliyah. It has two apples embroidered on it and says "A is for APPLE" under that.

We used up our leftovers! This is always a major event when we aren't throwing away our leftovers. We didn't eat out at all this week!

I used some cloth diapers. I can pretty easily say we are Part-time cloth diapering now. I wash about a load of them every couple days, so we're using some at least. Anything is better than full time sposies!

I stuck to this diet more or less. I would guess that for the last 17 days I have been about 98% successful with Gluten free, and maybe 75% successful with sugar free, and then somewhere in between those numbers with the Dairy. I think the big part of the dairy is milk for me. I am really enjoying my soy milk though, and I'm totally hooked on these gluten free bagels I found...but they have milk powder in them. Might have to find another kind. I can really feel my swelling diminishing, and I've been able to cut back on my pain medication and immune suppressant injections as well.

What I didn't get done:
I need to go through all the clothes in the upstairs bedrooms and bring the totes down to store on our new shelves in the garage. When those rooms are cleared out, I need to reorganize them and get some storage for the boys toys that are up there. Big Brother, Big Sister is coming Nov 19th.

I did not clean out the cabinets over the TV so we could more the components up there. Right now the components are in the cabinets under the TV, but those are cabinets the boys can reach, so I'd rather put their stuff in there if we can.

I did not go to the Social Security Office to apply for Matty's SS#. I need to do that soon, and I need to get all the rest of his paperwork to our local adoption agency so they can close out his file. Then next time we adopt they will have all his paperwork and it will be that much easier to update our home study.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I never imagined what would matter...

Ever since I met Mike we've always played this little game. Did you ever imagine? and insert little things that our "growing up" self never would have imagined, or wished for, but which in the end, are a dream come true. One of my favorites was while I was taking a bath with a little baby Tyler and asked Mike if he could dump in more olive oil. He carted out the big jug of olive oil and stood beside the tub and said, "How much? A couple of glugs?" That was certainly a "we never imagined" moment. Another would be when we "lube" the kiddos up after baths now, we use coconut oil. They LOVE it, and it's good for them, so they eat it while we spread it all over their hair and body. It's gotten a little extreme though where we have to basically battle with their little greased down bodies to get the bucket of coconut oil away from them. We have frequent discussions about not eating too much "yummy" because it needs to go on your tummy too! Never imagined that. Love it though.

I never imagined the gut wrenching nausea that could grip me at the thought of not having these two. Of losing them, or of them somehow finding their way to another persons home instead of ours when they were babies. It's like PTSD for an event that never even happened. On Oprah the other day there was a family on. More correctly just a mother and father. The mother was hit from behind by an 18 wheeler and all 3 of their children were killed. I sat there dumbfounded, crying, trying to shake the remote the right way so I could change the channel. I couldn't even watch. I know these bad things happen, but I just couldn't even process their palpable grief. They said the only thing that got them through was a pact they made with each other that when they would lay down at night, neither one would sneak off and kill themselves. That is about what it would take. I could get through for Mike, but if he didn't make me...I'm not sure. It's amazing how these little people come into our hearts, they push all our buttons, they make us rip our hair out and wish we could pluck off all our own eyebrows hair by hair, but in the next breath the very thought of trying to live without's unthinkable.

Like many mothers and fathers out there, I'm sure that no one could love their children with the intensity that I love mine. No one. Just like every other parent that feels just like me. But rationally I know that other parents love their kids in the same all consuming I love mine. So I just put this out there, because I actually let this thought pass my head about once or a 100 times a day. When you are ready to yell, ready to put them in TO, ready to...whatever. Does it MATTER? Does it really matter, or does it only matter right now?

The boys like to help Mike make dinner. I think this is excellent training for them on how men do a lot of domestic work. While Mike makes dinner, they will typically wash a dish or a cup. For the entire 30 or more minutes. One item. The other night Mike (after a long day at work) had enough and told them they needed to shut the water off. I (yelling from the living room, because I wasn't about to get off the couch...wheel of fortune was on) said, "Why? It won't be long till you miss the times when they would play in the sink while you made dinner. You can't get that back when they're 16!" He turned the water back on and gave them both a scrub brush and a cup.

Later that night he thanked me. A little water? Not a big deal. Sure we're Americans and taking it for granted and all that, was water. Yes, we were wasteful, but was it worth making them cry, or do you just pay the minimally higher water and sewer bill knowing that you have one plate that is sparkling clean and two very, very happy little helpers? Eventually we'll teach them about not wasting water and all that, but for right now? They are 1 and 2, and cooking with their Daddy. Know what matters, and what only matters right now.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When it's not a triangle...

The three "sides" of adoption are the Birth Mother/Parents, the Adoptee, and the Adoptive Parent(s). This is often called the "Triad" and depicted and thought of as a triangle with equal sides. Unfortunately for both my sons, we don't have our promised triangle. We have more of a line. Our third corner in each triangle seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. We keep our side of things going, for the most part, and would welcome a return to our triangle shape, but for now, we're a pretty comfortable line.

Anyone that knows me though, knows that I think ahead. I fully believe in mentally exploring all potential future scenarios, worst case to best case until I'm a quivering, shaking mess. This would clearly be no exception. I can't help but fear that despite what we've done, and the contact we've maintained (us sending letters and pictures) that the lack of response from birth parents will be emotionally blamed on us. Either by the birth parents when/if contact is initiated as the kids get older, or by the boys if they have a hard time dealing with their loss. I can't help but feel that in this new era of open adoption where birth parents are guided into a choice they are not educated about, that we are all creating a new generation of adoptees who will not have lost their birth families once, but twice. Who will be forced to face down not only their own placement for adoption, but their emotional abandonment by their birth families. I can't imagine how my children will feel when they know that their birth parents had options for full and open communication and in Matty's case 1 guaranteed visit per year, and they haven't bothered to make that effort.

I think either of their birth families could have stretched their lives and finances to care for another child. That was not why my boys were placed. My boys were placed because their birth parents could not emotionally raise another child. They chose not to parent. Perhaps with that knowledge, we should not be surprised that they have not maintained communication. That they have not asked for their visits or sent pictures so my sons could have pictures of the people that look like them.

I'm so angry.

My sons were first emotionally placed by their birth families, and now they have been emotionally abandoned by them as well. No one should make promises they can't keep to children. Open adoption is not for a birth parent only if they need it. Open Adoption is for the child, the teen, the young adult and adult adoptee. I realize it is not easy for their birth families. It's not easy for me either. I do it for my children. I can't imagine a better reason.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Whole suck...

Dear Whole Foods,

People who like to eat healthy do not necessarily have only one child. Just because we are green and/or organic does not mean that we are also hyper conscious of the earths population numbers and are limiting our family to one child. We may have multiple children. Just because we shop at your store does not mean that we are so wealthy we must have left our kids home with the Nanny. We do not have a Nanny.
I am raising the next generation of Whole Foods shoppers here. Children of hippie, organic loving, green living parents will typically grow into adults with many of the same ideals. These children will have jobs. It behooves you to WANT me to have more than one kid.

Help me, help you! Get some double shopping carts or I swear, I'll shop for my organic shit at Shaws.


Mother of two kids who BOTH need to be in the shopping cart.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

We may not have it all together...

but together we have it all.

Long before we had children I found a small stone wall hanging with this painted on it. I picked it up and knew I was buying it. I didn't look at the price. I didn't care. It needed to come home with me, because it was US. It completely and fully describes my husband and I in a mere sentence. We don't have all our ducks in a row, but we have a HERD of know? As our family has grown, it becomes more and more true. We remind ourselves of it, and I think I read that plaque several times a week. I'm currently working on vinyl letter that will go on our living room wall that will have the same quote. What would you rather have? Everything in it's place, or more everything? I vote more everything. More kids, more fun, more love, more laughs...and a huge pile of laundry. The reality is, in this house, it will likely not EVER be both. We will not have it all together, because we are way to busy having it all. If at any point we DO have it all together, or even close to that...well clearly I will have failed in my mission to create a family of 12.

Matty was napping this morning and Ty and I were tooting around the house working on laundry and in general just killing time. I ran into the bathroom to pee, while Ty was busy weighing himself on the scale. He insists on keeping the scale in the kitchen so he can weigh himself each time he passes it. He jumps on, yells, "Twenty! YEAH!" They both weigh in the twenties so that's what he's use to hearing...and of course we have taught them to cheer at their weights. I figure the days where he can weigh himself in the kitchen AND cheer about it are fairly numbered in the grand scheme of his life, so I let him have at it.

So while I'm peeing, he peeks around the corner at me in the bathroom (yes, I use the bathroom with the door open...I have a 17 month old and a 2.5 year old.) and wrinkles up his nose at me, then clomps over in his rain boots, drags his stool over to the light switch, climbs up, switches on the fan, and hops down. He pats me in the knee and says, "Otay? Otay Momma?" Okay Ty. Then he stands patiently RIGHT BESIDE me waiting for me to finish so he can flush the potty for me. I'm not sure if he's the world best bathroom attendant or the world's worst. In any case, I haven't flushed the potty in months.

Well I hear I guess I better go check that out.