When it's not a triangle...

The three "sides" of adoption are the Birth Mother/Parents, the Adoptee, and the Adoptive Parent(s). This is often called the "Triad" and depicted and thought of as a triangle with equal sides. Unfortunately for both my sons, we don't have our promised triangle. We have more of a line. Our third corner in each triangle seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. We keep our side of things going, for the most part, and would welcome a return to our triangle shape, but for now, we're a pretty comfortable line.

Anyone that knows me though, knows that I think ahead. I fully believe in mentally exploring all potential future scenarios, worst case to best case until I'm a quivering, shaking mess. This would clearly be no exception. I can't help but fear that despite what we've done, and the contact we've maintained (us sending letters and pictures) that the lack of response from birth parents will be emotionally blamed on us. Either by the birth parents when/if contact is initiated as the kids get older, or by the boys if they have a hard time dealing with their loss. I can't help but feel that in this new era of open adoption where birth parents are guided into a choice they are not educated about, that we are all creating a new generation of adoptees who will not have lost their birth families once, but twice. Who will be forced to face down not only their own placement for adoption, but their emotional abandonment by their birth families. I can't imagine how my children will feel when they know that their birth parents had options for full and open communication and in Matty's case 1 guaranteed visit per year, and they haven't bothered to make that effort.

I think either of their birth families could have stretched their lives and finances to care for another child. That was not why my boys were placed. My boys were placed because their birth parents could not emotionally raise another child. They chose not to parent. Perhaps with that knowledge, we should not be surprised that they have not maintained communication. That they have not asked for their visits or sent pictures so my sons could have pictures of the people that look like them.

I'm so angry.

My sons were first emotionally placed by their birth families, and now they have been emotionally abandoned by them as well. No one should make promises they can't keep to children. Open adoption is not for a birth parent only if they need it. Open Adoption is for the child, the teen, the young adult and adult adoptee. I realize it is not easy for their birth families. It's not easy for me either. I do it for my children. I can't imagine a better reason.

News!

When you have to go look for a link you posted somewhere else to find your blog...that's bad. Well it's no secret for those that read along that this isn't a steady commitment by any means. I wish it was, I often think..."I should blog that!" I just never seem to get around to it. Tyler is grown by leaps and bounds and so it seems is our family. We decided several short weeks ago that we would be open to adopting again domestically, rather than through foster care, and before we knew it, we were matched! Not only were we matched but it's with an already born baby who is 3 months old today. We have decided to call him Matthew Malachi. We are so in love. Haven't picked him up yet, but are in love none the less :) We will meet him on Tuesday, July 28th, which is also happens is Mike's birthday. We plan to have an open adoption with his birth mother, and hopefully his 1/2 birth siblings as they get older. We can't wait.

Tomorrow we are taking Ty for his last "only child" outing. We are planning to go to Richardson's Dairy. It's a working dairy farm that makes it's own ice cream, and has mini golf too. I don't know why, but I want to take Ty mini-golfing. I'm sure it will be a spectacle. Oh well.

Mike and I are both doing well. I have stopped working because 2 boys, 15 months apart will be work enough, thank you! We still have all the dogs too. I think Daisy will live forever. She's slowing down and turning more grey daily, but she's still a love. Dudley and Dewey are about the same.

Let's see, Ty will be 18 months old on Sunday. Time has flown. I could never have imagined how emotional adopting our second child would be. The raw emotion of Tyler not being my "only" and the deep, intense fear that I will never be able to love another as much as Ty. He's my baby, my little guy. He makes discipline nearly impossible by covering his face with his hands when he sobs. A quick word from Mommy seems to shake my rough tough guy to his very core. Thankfully a hug and kiss and he's quick to forgive and forget, till he does it all over again. He still loves to clap his hands, blow kisses, and call the doggies to come and play. He now calls me "Amy" which is interesting. Loud and clear at the top of his lungs. I'm sure other mothers at the play ground get confused.

Mike has taught him the wonders of puddles, just in time for all the rain we've had. He loves them. Loves all water really. Everyone gets soaked at bath time and he was a star "swimmer" at his lessons earlier this summer. Plays in his little pool for hours, very content with a cup and a couple inches of water. He's a good boy...except when he's not :)

Well I should sign off. I would make all the pretend promises to be here more, but let's be honest, you get what you get. I'm going to have even less time soon :)

Has it really been so long?

Blogging is like exercise...when you get in a good rhythm it's easy, when you fall out of habits, it's so hard to get back. You have all this shame for not posting and guilt. It's awful. I'm sucking it up and I'm back with LOTS of updates.

First and most important...Mr. Bear. I have come to the realization hat I'm not longer my own person, or really very important in this world...it's all about Ty. My grandmother calls me to ask if "we" are going to a graduation party for my cousin. Well we weren't planning on going till I get "the sigh" and hear about how long it's been since she's seen him. Ok Nana, see you there at 1:00. The upside? Our parties are SO well attended now. They don't come to see us, but they COME! Anyway, Ty is doing well. We know in our hearts he's the smartest, most beautiful baby ever, and when everyone around us affirms that it almost makes my heart explode. He's the light of our lives, even on his fussiest of days. He's just over 5 months now, and weighing in at a small, but healthy 14.5 pounds. He's a sturdy little boy, and his Dr. tells us every time we see her that his muscle tone is amazing. He stands with only balance support, and even goes from squatting to standing with no help pulling him up. He grabs things, and throws them...that was a surprise the first time it happened :) He's also rolling from front to back pretty regular, but NOT on camera of course. He's still the raspberry master in the household too. He'll get going for 30 minutes or more till we finally have to distract him. I guess the biggest news is the teething. It's in full force with all the normal symptoms. Drool and what not. I was sure he was getting the two on the bottom, since that's the ones that typically come in 1st, but then I noticed today that the top is all swollen too....cutting all 4 at once maybe? Poor guy.

On the adoption front, I've spoke with Ty's birthmom on a fairly regular basis. She is back in school, and may get a laptop soon. It would be wonderful to communicate with her more regularly by e-mail. I am so bad with regular communication by letter or mail. I am BAD at mailing things. The father's day package for my step father sitting on the stairs is a testament to that. I think I inherited the gene from my Mom. She laughs and tells me that she still has my Mother's Day present. It really is an illness in our family. Anyway, I have sent her some pictures, and it seems that her and the rest of his birth family are doing well.

On my personal front! I am changing jobs. I'm undecided on two jobs right now. I would really like to work where Mike works. We could commute together and that would save a lot of $ with the high gas prices. The perfect position opened up for me there, but the competition has been pretty intense. I should hear on Monday if I got that position. If not, I was offered a great position at another company, but the commute would be similar to what I'm doing now, so no gas savings there! I'm excited for either job though, and just want to get started!

Mike is doing pretty well. He's had a few follow-ups with his various Dr's and they all say he is doing great. He even had his first home down load from his defibrillator. They link up to that while he's at home! So cool :) He is LOVING being a Daddy. He did get to spend a day home with Ty on Monday. Mike was sick and Ty was miserable, so Mike kept him home with him. It sounds like they had a pretty miserable day together though. :)

The dogs are all still here. I can't recall if I posted about Dudley going for a couple overnights to the vet or not. Eating things he shouldn't. Right now the computer room is covered in a roll of paper towels that they all ripped up yesterday. Sometimes it seems like I can't get ahead in this house :) After cleaning and vacuuming and doing laundry all day yesterday, seeing that almost pushed me over the edge. Mike said he would clean it up, so it's sitting there waiting for him. I bet he eat it all before it gets cleaned up. They have also taken to finding stuff in the house, and dragging it out the doggie door to chew up in the yard. Sometimes it's our mail, or a bootie of Tylers...our back yard is now a mud bowl, littered with stuff from the dogs. How very white trash of us. They are doing great though, and they love Tyler to pieces.

Well time to go grocery shopping for the long weekend. Have a great 4th everyone!

Tyler's Birth Family

We heard from Ty's Birth mom tonight. She got the letter and pictures I sent on Monday, and was just thrilled with them. She can't believe how big he is getting (that makes two of us!), and how alert he is. If there is 1 comment we ALWAYS get about him it's is, "Wow, he's so alert!" Actually first they say how cute he is, and then how alert his is for his age. They have been saying that since he was 5 days old...I told her all about how well he was eating, and sleeping, and how much he loved the dogs and how much Dewey loves him. She did tell her family about Ty and the adoption, and they were all very supportive and happy to see the pictures of him. I'm so glad she finally got that out in the open and she has the support she needs from her family now. I guess Ty's birth sister who is 6 asked if she could write to us, and I told her that was fine. That should be interesting, I'm not sure what 6 year olds write about!

Ty was Mr. Smiles today. He watches us more and more and does the big open mouth smiles, and smirks when we act silly to him. It makes my heart melt....