The Token Child?

As we begin to settle into a routine with two children and I'm able to get out and about more, well...I'm not satisfied. I want to continue. Yes, life threw us a little bump in our planning with two boys who were closer together than we planned. Seeing them play each day tells me they were exactly what was meant to be for our family. Exactly. For OUR family. So those of you with kids further apart, don't feel like you are missing out on anything. I'm sure you have exactly what you are supposed to have for your family. But for these kiddos, for this family? They are perfection.

As I said, we're finally adjusting to this...perfection...so I'm ready to get going again. Build this family while we have any semblance of a young couple who can handle all these young kids. As is typical for me, I'm all over the map. Foster Care, international, domestic, special needs. I have to research them all. This time around I took a really strong look at international. An adoption from Africa really is in my heart, and I think we WILL do it someday. I'm not sure if now is the right time for that. Some of the programs I've looked at seem shaky at best, and one closed while I was in the process of finding an agency who would work with us for that country. In the process of researching several African Countries, I also came across several blogs of people who were adopting or have adopted from African. Uganda, Ethiopia, Rwanda, etc. I am struck by the make-up of some families who have chosen this path to African adoption. I'm more than struck honestly...I'm upset. Large families of 5, 6, 8 biological children. All white. In the middle of Idaho or some other place with less than zero diversity if that's possible. A blog filled with pictures of family and friends, and one lone face of color. Their token adopted child from Africa. The child God called them to adopt to complete their family. Now their family is complete...with their one black child surrounded by a sea of white faces. Really? That's what God wanted for that child? They wanted the child to be ripped from their home country and moved to a place where no one looked like them, or understood any of their culture? I guess I can't question God, but I WILL question their interpretation of what they think God wanted. Yes, African children need help. Yes, they live in poverty. Yes, many of them die young because they lack basic health care. That is very sad. I completely agree all of that, and it tears at my very heart. What the children are NOT lacking is culture, community, and heritage. Traditions. A feeling of belonging, even if it's only with other homeless children all in the same place as you. There is a feeling of community, even as there is nothing to share. To take all of that from a child? Really the only things they have ever "had" in their lives...it seems quite selfish when you know you can not provide those things for them. You know you have no plans to adopt another child that they could share their culture with. You know you have no plans to move to a more diverse area where the child could see and be friends with other people and children who at least look like them.

Selfish.

I parent two black children.

Everyday I judge myself on my ability to provide for them the things they lost when I adopted them. Diversity. African American role models and peers. Culture. I can not replace all that they lost when they left a black family, and joined ours...I know that. But I certainly will do all I can to nurture who they are as a person. They are a black person. I can't understand that with complete certainty. I can empathize, encourage, and love them. I can provide for them siblings who WILL understand exactly how they feel. Who will get it. I can make every attempt to expose them to the culture they would have if their birth parents had parented. I can find and reinforce positive black role models for my children. What I won't do is isolate them in a sea of white like a cute little black doll that I took because I wanted it. I do not have token black children I rescued from Africa. Even if we adopt from Africa, that is not what my children will be. They will be my children...who happen to be black, which bares with it a responsibility to respect that they inherently may need more effort than a biological or even a white adopted child would need from me. They need a lifelong commitment to expose and try to rebuild to all the things they have lost because I am white. If I can't give that commitment to them, I shouldn't be adopting black children.

I am Machine.

Sometimes I still dream of perfect children. You know the ones we all dream of before we have children, while we still know everything about parenting? I still think of those children sometimes. How I would dress them, the places we would go, how I would never need to yell because rationalizing with an 18 month old always works. How they would follow me in a neat little row like ducks through a parking lot.
Sometimes, I miss those kids, but the reality is...they are so boring. They are not challenging, or mentally stimulating. They are not kids, they are (to borrow a phrase from a friend) Stepford Children. There are days a Stepford child sounds great. A well oiled robot that just runs, even when Mommy has a cold and pees when she has coughing fits. A life that has kids into the car and on our way without tears and tantrums. I've realized my children are not robots, my life is not a machine, but somewhere deep inside, I am.

If you ask me how I do it, I won't have an answer. I can't even answer my husband when he asks. I don't know. There is a machine inside me. It does what it needs to even when my brain goes on auto pilot. It prioritizes, process and completes tasks that were never even in my imagination till I woke up and had two special needs kiddos. That machine can make two grilled cheese while emptying roomba, attempting to rationalize with a speech delayed 2.5 year old, and empty the dishwasher all at once. That machine can hand pluck loose fur from a dogs butt while I use the bathroom because that kind of multi-tasking SAVES TIME. That machine is smart. I have no idea where it came from.

I was ready to be a Mom. I know that now. I was maybe naive and soft, but I was ready. Good thing because every single day I end up in a place that I never could have dreamed. I did not look forward to watching a toddler pee in the potty by using the toilet seat as a back board. I didn't ever, ever imagine urine every where would make me laugh.

Things Cruise Along...Kids Get Bigger...

I wish for more babies. It seems an endless cycle. I'm like a child that bores of a puppy once it's no longer cute. Okay...not bored...not that...just...complacent. No one NEEDS ME. Not in the primal way. I think my kids could gladly make it a whole day and scrounge for food if they needed to. They certainly seem happy enough to roam the garden and eat tomatoes that I haven't yet cut up, or to grab a kitchen chair and drag it over so they can eat an apple. Tyler will even pull Roomba to the middle of the carpet and start her up. What do they need me for? The occasional dirty diaper that they could careless if I changed anyway? I need babies damn it. Little tiny babies that cry in need of a burp and a bottle warmed just so. Little bitty with legs all frogged up inside a sleeper gown, and tiny, itsy bitsy eyes that will pop awake if I even think about moving when they are sleeping on my chest. The last thing that slept on my chest was a 25 pound Corgi and he snores like a lumber jack. I want to SWADDLE things and make little burritos out of a sleeping baby and a stretchy blanket. I want a little tiny nose almost hidden by a huge pacifier. I want little match sized fingers topped by razor blades ready to tear my face to shreds if I don't rock them just right. I want that. Really.

Instead I got a job. Just weekends at the farm up the street to help them out in their farm store during the apple harvest. I love this farm and spend a lot of time there with the boys anyway, so why not? If I want more babies, that means more money in one way or another. Lots more money most likely, so I guess instead of all the little tiny things I wish were in my home, I'll focus on all the BIG things that have to get done before we can get the little things. Which is actually quite opposite of the way most things work. We need house stuff done, and bills paid off, and to build our savings back up a little more. We need a lot of house stuff done. I don't know if it will ALL happen before we think about adding on to the family again, but some of it needs to. We at least need to figure out the answers to what we're doing with the house before we add on to the family. I would like to rip down the single story part and replace it with a 2 story part. Whether that's feasible financially or not, we'll have to see. I could be quite happy here if we did that though!

Right now I need to get a grip...on laundry and a bunch of other things that are right here and right now. How we always have so much laundry, I'll never be able to figure out. I think my children contribute, but honestly I don't ever seem to run out of their clothes. Mike always needs clothes so the majority MUST be his...but he swears he's going to wash all his work clothes himself. I don't think that ever really happens though. I wonder how many loads of laundry I would have to do per day to stay caught up...you know once I catch up. I would think if I did a load of laundry a day that would be enough. It seems so simple! One load per day for a family of 4 and we wouldn't have mountains build up. But it does. It always does. Ugg...

Fun for today: Mike in the living room with both boys.

Mike: Tyler, don't take your clothes off.
Tyler: Jargoning away and I can't understand anything about it. He might be saying something about ice cream...or the dogs?
Mike: Tyler! I asked you to leave your clothes on!
Tyler: Help! Dadda, Help!
Mike: No Tyler...no, I won't help you take your pants off. I've asked you to leave your clothes on.
Tyler: Help? Dadda? Momma? Help?

I go in. He's down to a diaper. Matty is running into the wall cause he has Ty's shirt over his face. That's my life.

and then there was Earl...

So we take our first vacation in several years that didn't involve driving somewhere to pick up a baby, or to finalize an adoption, or celebrate a holiday...just V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N. Awesome. We're on the Chesapeake Bay in Virginia and we had planned nothing more than fishing with the boys, putting out a couple of crab pots to see if we could catch any, and a whole lot of playing in the sand. I think it's perfection when you have a 16 month old and a 2.5 year old. Then hurricane Earl had to show up so we spent 3 perfectly fine days worrying about a hurricane that in the end, didn't even give us any rain. Oh well. We did a little fishing, and caught 5 crabs, 3 of which we kept and cooked up. One was soft shell even...pretty neat-o.

Over all, it's been a perfect place. We can look out the window or hang out on the screen porch and the boys have a plethora of things to see on or near the water. Boat! Boat! Bird! Bird Momma! Bye bye Boat! Bye bye! Bye bye Bird! Needless to say, the boats, birds, and "Dewey's" (dogs) that they see never fail to entertain them.

Dewey, our corgi is actually here on vacation with us, while the two big dogs are at home with a dog walker. We weren't supposed to have any dogs with us, but Dewey pulled a fast one and almost died in the two weeks before vacation and was touch and go (to put it nicely) right until the car ride down here. I'm pleased to say he's doing fabulous now and our biggest concern is keeping him out of the Bay because he really wants to go swimming, but he can't...he has a bunch of staples in his stomach from an emergency surgery 4 days before we left. We are glad he is here and doing well though!

Matty is having an amazing vacation, but he looks like hell. The mosquitoes LOVE Matty...they always have. He's one of those kids that can walk from the house to the car and come in with 5 big bites that all swell up into welts. Right now he has one 2 on his forehead, one on his cheek, one under his eye and big one on the end of his nose. It swelled his little nose up and turned it red. Looks like he's been drinking. His back, arms and legs are covered with them. The coconut oil seems to help them a little. I don't know what to do. I can't bathe him in mosquito repellent everyday! All those chemicals can't be good for him either.

Tyler's speech has really blossomed in just the week we've been here. He turned to us both the other day and in his toddler drawl said, "ya-wan-doe-dow-a-beach?" We were very impressed! He starts playgroup when we get back, and I'm excited for how that will challenge and improve his social skills. He should have a one-on-one for the first few weeks at playgroup anyway.

Yesterday we went for a drive and happened on a dollar store that had swords. Tyler HAD to have one, and so we got two. They were called Robot Swords, and light up and make a noise like a robot booting up, but it ends with a cha-ching! It sounds like a robot playing the slots or something. We have heard nothing else for 24 hours. They are currently on the top shelf in the closet. We're hoping they will forget when they wake from their naps!

And then there were two...

Please stop. Look back. Notice my last posting. Tyler's last outing as a single child, and my last blog post in over a year...coincidence? Not even a little bit.

So who wants a quick catch up? Let's see...

Matthew Malachi Isaiah: Matty came home. We started Early Intervention immediately. At 3 months old he was at a newborn level in almost all evaluated areas. We worked our butts off...Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Neurology, Orthopedist, MRI's, hearing tests, feeding specialists, hypertonia. This year was straight out with specialist appointments, and doing PT with Matty, at times, 5X a day. As of 2 hours ago, Matty tested out of EI with average scores between 15 and 18 months old. He's almost 16 months. He was pronounced (through tears) by his therapist, to be a "Rock Star"...well...of course!

Matty is an amazing little boy. He's completely different than his brother. He's really funny, and very sweet. He's my little Stewie Griffin lately though! Mommy, Momma, Mama, Amy, Mom, MOM, MAMA, MOMMY!, AMY!, MOMMY!...he will NOT be denied. Typically once I answer him he will then smile and maybe point to a tomato and say, Yummy! (then move to the next tomato and do it all over again...we have a lot of tomato plants too!) He's a great eater, very laid back, gives lots of hugs and many, many kisses each day. He loves to swim and is fairly certain in his own little head that he knows how to do so...underwater. He spend as much time in the water as possible trying to prove he can (he can't)...He loves animals, bugs, airplanes, and motorcycles. He's a lot of fun, and a pretty typical 16 month old. He needs to do everything his big brother is doing, including climbing to the top of the couch. He is the most amazing mimic I've ever seen and he will certainly be the child that is in the back seat repeating the naughty words Daddy says while driving! We finalized Matty's adoption in July, just short of a year after he came home.

Tyler David: Tyler has, for the most part, really enjoyed being a big brother. We had some transitional time when Matty was first trying to get around where Ty really struggled with his brother being in his space. Matty had high muscle tone, so he was walking pretty well by 10 months old. Size-wise, Ty was still much bigger than Matty then and sometimes he would put Matty right over onto his head. Thankfully, we passed that stage and now Ty can see that Matty is fun to play with...although that does seem to still include putting Matty onto his head at times. In January 2010, Ty was almost 2, we had him evaluated for a speech delay, which we were pretty much expecting since some of his biological sibling had speech delays. He tested into Early Intervention with Speech, and some oral sensory challenges. I was totally floored when they mentioned Sensory stuff, especially oral. Perhaps the fact that he had been chewing his way out of his wood crib should have clued me in. Amazing how a parent can turn a blind eye to her child challenges and see only perfection :) Eight months into EI, Tyler's therapy now includes and OT, and MA Ed. (Masters in Education therapist) three times per week. He's making progress and learning new words at a surprising level. We've added behavioral challenges to his therapy plan. He is just a kid that will throw you for a loop at every turn. In Mom's eyes...he's still perfection.

We still have three dogs, although Dewey is currently at the vet. He was signed in for "Supportive Care"...that is actually what they wrote on his paperwork. I'd like that. I want to be signed in somewhere for a few days of "Supportive Care" ! He actually has pancreatitis, and after about 5 days of doing really well, he stopped eating again and was looking like death warmed over. Give we leave for vacation in a week, we thought we better send him away so he could make a full recovery. We were worried about him getting dehydrated too. I wish two things regarding my dogs. 1) That if they HAVE to get sick they could get sick for less than $1,000. That never seems to happen. 2) If they HAVE to get sick, could they at least get sick with something that we can get an answer on how it happened and how to prevent it? Okay...once when Dudley was sick we were finally able to pinpoint why (he had eaten both a Frisbee AND a rope toy) but typically it's a line like, "Well, we think it's this, and that could have been caused by this, this, thingabob, or stress..." Stress...they always throw that in there, and I'm convinced it's to make you feel bad...like you stressed out your pet, made them sick and now you're even a little upset that they are costing you thousands? Well you suck as a pet owner. I feel like telling the vet...they wouldn't feel stressed if they stopped eating the kids dirty diapers! Then I wouldn't have to scream at them! ... These dogs can't understand basic commands by boy are their brains smart enough to figure out how to open the trash can and get trash, the TIED bags in the recycling to get cans, or the pantry and a rubber maid to get to their food. Selective intelligence I think.

Let's see...the past year.

Well we had a little chicken episode. I guess it was more than an episode since it started back in March and is just now ending. It all started with me deciding I wanted to raise chickens for eggs. Great idea right? Except anyone that knows me, knows my intense level of ADD when I have a project. As soon as it's started, I am no longer interested and I start something else. Mike had a valid concern that he would soon have a back yard flock of chickens to care for, feed and collect eggs from each day. He wasn't interested in that. We compromised when I did some research and found out about Cornish Meat chickens. We would raise them a mere 8 weeks, pay someone to butcher them, then put them in the freezer. That way it was a finite commitment. So I ordered 25 little fluff balls from a hatchery and all was going well till I bought another 12 from the grain store. 25 + 12 +1 freebie "exotic" the hatchery sent = 38 chickens. 38 chickens who grow very fast, eat a LOT and poop to match their rate of intake. They didn't last in the house long. They soon moved to the garage, then out to the shed. But I loved it, and so did Ty. Ty LOVED his chickens...feeding them, tossing out corn...all that. So we raised them for 12 weeks, and then...we actually processed them ourselves. That part wasn't easy, but honestly, it wasn't hard either. I'll spare the details for this post though... Anyway, Mike agreed that I could raise layers, so we bought some at the grain store and we were loving it. To make a long (and emotional) story short, our neighbors reported us. Not the neighbors that live next door or even anywhere on our street kind of neighbors...all those people loved our chickens...the people that own (but do not live in) the duplex next door reported the chickens. They...suck. So the chickens have to go. I'll be working to change the chicken laws in Amesbury, but for right now, we had to say goodbye. Nothing like watching your 2.5 year old wave good bye and yell, "Bye bye shicen" while standing in the drive way as his chickens drive off to new homes. Heartbreaking I tell you.

Mike and I have been doing really well. Both of us are plugging along health wise, and Mike's recent testing on his heart function has been amazing. Mike has started riding his bike more, back and forth to work, and for longer rides on the weekends. This weekend he will do his first 1/2 Century (50 miles)...he is really enjoying it, and I even have a bike now too. Most weekends we'll put the kids in the trailer and ride to the farm to get our CSA share instead of driving. The kids like the ride, but hate their helmets with a passion.

I'm sure there are a million things I'm forgetting from the past year, but this is a long enough post for now I think...

As always, I'll try to be here more ;)

Amy

News!

When you have to go look for a link you posted somewhere else to find your blog...that's bad. Well it's no secret for those that read along that this isn't a steady commitment by any means. I wish it was, I often think..."I should blog that!" I just never seem to get around to it. Tyler is grown by leaps and bounds and so it seems is our family. We decided several short weeks ago that we would be open to adopting again domestically, rather than through foster care, and before we knew it, we were matched! Not only were we matched but it's with an already born baby who is 3 months old today. We have decided to call him Matthew Malachi. We are so in love. Haven't picked him up yet, but are in love none the less :) We will meet him on Tuesday, July 28th, which is also happens is Mike's birthday. We plan to have an open adoption with his birth mother, and hopefully his 1/2 birth siblings as they get older. We can't wait.

Tomorrow we are taking Ty for his last "only child" outing. We are planning to go to Richardson's Dairy. It's a working dairy farm that makes it's own ice cream, and has mini golf too. I don't know why, but I want to take Ty mini-golfing. I'm sure it will be a spectacle. Oh well.

Mike and I are both doing well. I have stopped working because 2 boys, 15 months apart will be work enough, thank you! We still have all the dogs too. I think Daisy will live forever. She's slowing down and turning more grey daily, but she's still a love. Dudley and Dewey are about the same.

Let's see, Ty will be 18 months old on Sunday. Time has flown. I could never have imagined how emotional adopting our second child would be. The raw emotion of Tyler not being my "only" and the deep, intense fear that I will never be able to love another as much as Ty. He's my baby, my little guy. He makes discipline nearly impossible by covering his face with his hands when he sobs. A quick word from Mommy seems to shake my rough tough guy to his very core. Thankfully a hug and kiss and he's quick to forgive and forget, till he does it all over again. He still loves to clap his hands, blow kisses, and call the doggies to come and play. He now calls me "Amy" which is interesting. Loud and clear at the top of his lungs. I'm sure other mothers at the play ground get confused.

Mike has taught him the wonders of puddles, just in time for all the rain we've had. He loves them. Loves all water really. Everyone gets soaked at bath time and he was a star "swimmer" at his lessons earlier this summer. Plays in his little pool for hours, very content with a cup and a couple inches of water. He's a good boy...except when he's not :)

Well I should sign off. I would make all the pretend promises to be here more, but let's be honest, you get what you get. I'm going to have even less time soon :)

Wonderful Mother's Day

So it's a few days too late, but I just thought I would let everyone know I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I was lucky enough to be driven (by Mike) 8+ hours down to VA so I could spend Mother's Day with my Mom. It was really nice. To top it all off, she sent me home with her "old" embroidery sewing machine since she got a new one. As my mother's day gift from Mike and Ty, I got 3 hours of private lessons on learning to run that thing! It is basically a computer that also happens to sew.

Obviously by this point Ty is walking. Running even. He's into and onto everything he can get his chubby little hands on. He loves being outside, playing in the dirt, or running down the side walk. He also favors walks around the block in his wagon with Daddy pulling. I'm not sure I ever guessed that life would be this great :)

We decided that we're going to wait till after the summer to start foster care. Okay, I think *I* pretty much decided it, and I'm not sure that I'm sure. I think I just want to spend this summer with Ty. I want more kids, but at the same time, I really love this little man. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me swear I'm the luckiest Momma in the world and alternately if God hates me all in one day. His complete amazement when his grandmother points out a caterpillar makes me almost cry. Then his complete determination to pick it up and eat it makes me fall over laughing...

He gives kisses now, and even enjoys kissing the picture of his girlfriend Ella that we just got in the mail. He's going to be pretty upset when I break the news to him that I don't think we can make the trip to WI for her birthday party. We'll have to send her something nice :)

Well I have a 30th birthday party to finish planning for this weekend, so hopefully I'll remember to blog again before 2 months goes by!